Republican Party merges with Afghanistan’s Taliban

In a surprise announcement, Mullah Hibatullah Akhundzada, head of the Afghanistan Taliban, announced that the Republican Party of the United States has merged with the Taliban Party of Afghanistan.

The Mullah, in a prepared statement said, “We have so much in common with the Republican Party that it was only a matter of time before we became one organization.  After we examined how the Republican Party treats women, minorities, and transgender citizens, we thought Praise Allah, we have an ally in the United States. Book banning.  Denying the right to vote. Preventing citizens from obtaining medical care. Eliminating the right to have an abortion. I thought I was reading our own manifesto.”

Republican Party leaders in the United States agreed that the merger is a natural fit. “We don’t believe in democracy and in democratic institutions, just like the Taliban. At some point, our leaders got together and said it made sense to join forces against the U.S. Government and its citizens,” said Senator Theodore Cruz from Texas. He continued, “We have so much more to learn from the Taliban, specifically in finding ways to incorporate religious teachings into the public school curriculum. Together, the Republican Party and the Taliban can support each other in ways that will further both our interests.”

“Nobody dehumanizes its citizens and undocumented individuals quite like the Republican Party, so the Taliban can also learn from us,” said current Speaker of the House Mike Johnson.

In travel plans disclosed using a Freedom of Information Act request, it was discovered that Mike Johnson and Ted Cruz will be attending the wedding of Interior Minister Sirajuddin Haqqani’s eldest daughter Alishba in Kabul next month to help cement the close relationship between the two organizations.